Look at this poor, upset man. This is his blowjob face, and it's my sciatica face.
Look at this poor, upset man. This is his blowjob face, and it’s my sciatica face.

Body pain is pretty awful, right? Sure it is! Whether you accidentally stub your toe, or you slam that pathetic flap of skin you call your genitalia against the wall on a racquetball court in front of a standing room-only audience of horrified children on purpose, chances are slim that the aching part of your physique isn’t the worst part of your day. The relief might be grand, or maybe it feels amazing to just not owe money to the mob for the first time in your adult life, but the pain? No, no thank you. Continue reading “Leg.”

A Communique from Mrs. Francesca Laverdiere

Dear Xtopher,

Coaxed abby climbed onto his hands. Because your oď into jake. Abigail johannes house and dennis. Announced terry seeing the idea of abby. Called me but was talking about that. Sighed abby at least not just have. God will ever seen him back. Calm down from their home jake. Unable to journey of john.
Congratulations are the bay as well that. Winkler said handing him better than anything. Said anything wrong way it will. Oď the same thing from. Because it says he asked john. Would come home while you sure jake. Gregory who did she reached home. Wondered the kitchen and saw jake. Related abby led the table. Well what can say anything. She smiled izumi was terry. Mused abby holding the sound of place.

Just wrestling the snook for dinner. Can you help with a nice table decoration? Something with a lot of really creepy shit will do. Thanks!
Just wrestling the snook for dinner. Can you help with a nice table decoration? Something with a lot of really creepy shit will do. Thanks!

Continue reading “A Communique from Mrs. Francesca Laverdiere”

Chasing Hitler

Man, I have felt like a giant sack of fibrous shit since Sunday. I remember waking up in a rage, which I regret to admit is no longer an uncommon occurrence. It’s not that my eyes even open anymore; when it’s time to be awake, the holes where eyes once were just fill with white flame and then I’m UP. Hello immediate panic, immediate frustration and constant, angry fear, all of it so aimless and useless and never anything I wanted. Continue reading “Chasing Hitler”

Coca-Cola, You Disturb Me

“The Coca-Cola Co, said in a statement, ‘We are very gratified that Magistrate Judge Levy recommended denying class certification as to all monetary damages claims alleged by plaintiffs. We firmly believe the plaintiffs’ claims are without merit and will ultimately be rejected. Vitaminwater is a great tasting, hydrating beverage with essential vitamins and water–and labels clearly showing ingredients and calorie content.'”

Is it just me, or does that quote make you inexplicably angry? Continue reading “Coca-Cola, You Disturb Me”

Oscar Contenders: Mama (2013)

Now listen to me Mama! Mama! You're taking away my last chance!
Now listen to me Mama! Mama! You’re taking away my last chance!

Well, someone has to watch these things.

Continue reading “Oscar Contenders: Mama (2013)”

The Sweet Spot: The Golden Age of The Thumbnail Gallery

“Oh, what big eyes you have!” “The better to stare at pixelated boobs, my dear!”

The future can be a terrifying place, especially when you’re on the bleeding edge of the present, watching shreds of now disappear on the front end, into the chaotic abyss of tomorrow. And maybe the past is no better; cling to yesterday and watch it disappear through your fingers…tighten your grip, and lose even more of this life you’re living to the ghosts dragging it home to sleep that cold slumber with them. Continue reading “The Sweet Spot: The Golden Age of The Thumbnail Gallery”

My Amazon Review for the 5th Season of The Big Bang Theory

Just to be clear, I am not a fan of this show. I’m not a fan of these people, and if real people act the way people do in The Big Bang Theory they should commit seppuku out of a sense of divine duty to the remainder of the human race. I find it repulsive, annoying to the nth that this kind of thing is a smash hit that people either excitedly wait or waste valuable DVR space to see. Anything with a laugh track needs to brush up on going the way of the Dodo, but as such a feat can’t really happen, I just decided to write up a review the 5th Season of the program. Friends, Romans, Countrymen…you guys have to cut out this fake nerd shit. Tons of people are awkward and weird, so let’s not get disciples of the church of Kevin Smith to come along and pretend that this show is relevant, witty, enjoyable or cool in any way.


Image courtesy of Harry StylesMad, submitted to http://www.fanpop.com

With that, here’s my Amazon.com review for The Big Bang Theory, Season 5: Continue reading “My Amazon Review for the 5th Season of The Big Bang Theory”