Soap Box: Donald Trump

Get a load of this asshole! Image courtesy of REUTERS/Dominick Reuter
Get a load of this asshole!

Just yesterday, NBC delivered the kind, sincere “go fuck yourself” to Donald Trump that many have longed to serve him for decades. The xenophobic hamster controlling the flesh façade of The Donald finally got tangled in the spokes of his wheel, as Mr. Trump had his ties with The Peacock swiftly & unceremoniously severed due to his anti-immigrant rhetoric on the campaign trail. NBC likes good PR, & they like the money of Mexicans more than they like Donald Trump. Read that last sentence again, out loud. Feels good, doesn’t it?

What this means for John & Jane Q. Public is that this asshole Trump won’t be screaming “you’re fired!” at other assholes on “The Celebrity Apprentice” anymore, a show from which he was already going to step down in order to let us laugh at his bid for President. It also means that poor, awkward teens who somehow don’t know how to use the Internet to find porn will have to resort to arcane tactics such as “Theft of Dad’s Playboys” or–God forbid–“Imagination” in order to masturbate in prime time for two additional nights a year, as the Miss America and Miss Universe pageants will also be booted from NBC programming.

Vague, bleak future of America’s horny, unfuckable teens aside, this should be a day of great jubilation for immigrants, people who know & love immigrants, and people with an intense distaste for Trump’s antics, demeanor and persona. This petulant child has had his hand slapped away from his NBC toy box, and in so many other cases of appropriate things happening to shitty people, this would be sufficient cause for a flash-mob block party. We should have a world brimming with spontaneous friendships, breakdancing octogenarians, never-ending high-five chains and nations of people doing The Wave in endless succession. Nude.

Instead, we have an angry man in his underwear, writing a blog at dinner time about another man, and doing so out of sheer disgust. We have that because Donald Trump rolls with the punches. He’s a shrewd lie of a man who will do other things with these programs, and he’ll make money with them elsewhere. The awkward teens might yet still be able to indulge in some Trump-flavored network TV spank-fodder, should Donald strategically slither in short order, and no one can do anything about it!

Life, obviously, doesn’t have an editor. It tells all the stories it can, regardless of whether or not it should. In books, on screens, villains meet horrible ends. Chopped to bits, thrown off skyscrapers, cast into cages with the rest of the filth and absolutely demoralized, the storytellers of the world know how to handle an antagonist properly, but Mother Nature and the Fates have yet to master such techniques.

This means that Trump, fucking asshole creep that he is, will persist. Like a wasting sickness, we’ll still see that face, hear that voice. We’ll still be met on occasion by those lies about how he’s a visionary, a worldwide power-broker, a role model and an American hero, and loads of people not given to analytical thought will just accept these assertions at face value, perpetuating the myths. Years will pass, the man will die, and eventually people will just remember a rich guy whose name is on a bunch of things…so he must have been great, right? As an unabashed hater, I just can’t abide that.

I can’t help but be bothered by his success, which by definition makes me that kind of “hater” that idiots talk about as the genuine article, that kind of person who dislikes another person for what they’ve done in the world…wait, hating a person for their deeds is a bad thing? Oh, wait: only God can judge him. Yeah, okay.

I also can’t stand that face, the most readable part of this dick who thinks he’s tough, smart, strong and not only the most capable, but clearly the most respected–the best brand–to lead in all things, all ways. That face, so worthy of a punch, doesn’t really have to taste a defeat today, because he’s already putting strategies to work to minimize the loss, maximize the press and restructure the properties. He’s already at work to rise above, and that’s the problem.

He could go away, and that would be fine. He could apologize for holding prejudicial beliefs about a group of people while vying for a position of power that would subjugate those people and place them at increased risk of incurring his wrath, and that might be an acceptable penalty for being who & how he is (of course, said immigrants would have to do the accepting). Maybe you could just let me fight him, & then I’d just feel better…I don’t know what my solution to my own ridiculous anger about this guy actually is, but I’d love to find that solution immediately.

I think that, ultimately, The Donald just needs to lose spectacularly, own it, and be paraded around as a loser for a while. He, as the villain, can no longer be granted an opportunity in the story of life to rise above and beyond reproach for being an asshole. Someone (else) should adult bully the living hell out of this guy until we have him shitting his pants on tape, and then we can laugh & call him “Shit Boy.” Then we can all move on, myself especially, and he can get back to working that dumb fucking pout of his for all it’s worth.

If nothing else, though, what definitely has to happen is that he has to suck it up and admit at least a measure of his vile nature. My sensibilities can’t stand him, his face, his xenophobic hamster overlord and his many millions of dollars getting away with being better than all forms of punishment anymore. History shows us that such a fate of confrontation and resolution will simply not befall him and that tomorrow will be better for him than today, though, and that makes me feel pretty disgusting and in need of a lava shower.

Donald Trump: -2.5/5 Stars

Author: xtopherjacques

I'm an unreliable narrator, which is supposed to be the fun of it. I'd imagine it's a lot more fun to be led off a cliff if it feels like a circus until it happens. Oh, I'm an average guy; I respirate and dream. Here, I'll talk a lot about both. There will likely be too much talk about bodily fluids of varying viscosities for one's liking, but I refuse to change that until I'm served legal documents. Thankfully (for all of us), I also have healthy obsessions with foods (it might get weird), body washes and obscure media. I also talk a lot about my house being haunted and possessed, neither being true. All of those things should keep this all interesting enough. I sure hope so.

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