I Live For The Intrigue

Shown here: the entrance to the office where the folks taking care of my inheritance work. This was Employee Appreciation Day.

Shown here: the entrance to the office where the folks taking care of my inheritance work. This was Employee Appreciation Day.

ROOLY SECURITY AGENCY
23 HERBERT MARCULARY AVENUE
WUSE 2 GARKI ABUJA
FEDERAL CAPITAL TERRITORY

My name is Andrew Louis, the Senior Directing officer of one of the many branches Rooly Security Agency. I am writing you concerning a situation which has come to my notice and i would like a confirmation from you before i proceed with my actions.

A consignment box containing a very huge amount of Fund about $15Million USD was brought here to be kept in custody by one Delegate Anderson Curtis who was assigned to Africa to handle issues involving foreign Beneficiaries being ripped each time they try to make a claim on their inheritance .This was done some months ago which the Agent stressed that the consignment belongs to you.

The reason why i am writing you is because a power of attorney was forwarded to our office this morning by Mr. Kelly Brown and they introduced themselves as Trevor Derek Alfred and Mr. Roland Gulf and the Barrister’s name David Hayfield.They claim you have asked them to claim the fund in the consignment. They are willing to pay $1750usd to claim the fund which will be used for preparing the paper work and also for the shipment of the consignment,they made me understand that you were hit by a truck and on your death bed you gave them the right to claim the fund in the consignment. This makes me really confused, because the real amount for the preparation of paper work and for the shipment of the consignment is just $950. I have notified the Delegate Anderson concerning this matter and he has stated that he has nothing to do with it anymore and maybe these people are been truthful.

You are to call this office immediately for clarifications on this matter as we shall be available 24 hrs to speak with you and give you the necessary guidelines on how to ensure that your consignment is sent to you immediately.Just also be informed that any further delay from your side could be dangerous, as i would not be held responsible of wrong delivery.

So,get back to me urgently and tell me if this is true,you are therefore given 24hrs as soon as you read this email to confirm the truth in this information, If you are still alive, You are to contact us back immediately, Because we work 24 hrs just to ensure that we monitor all the activities going on in regards to the delivering of your consignment.I want to know if these people have been given permission by you to claim the fund in the consignment because they have provided an attorney to stand on their behalf and he is ready to sign the change of ownership certificate and also make the payment to claim the consignment. If you are not on your deathbed as these people claim and to have this consignment delivered to you, then get back to me immediately as this required a great deal of urgency.

On receipt of your email, I will call the police to have these people arrested for attempted fraud and theft, but if not i will have no choice than to accept their payments, sign the change of ownership certificate and have it released to them.

Yours Sincerely,
Director Andrew louis.

Another shot from the office, presumably taken when the free soft pretzels, water ice and 1 hot dog per person were being handed out.

Another shot from the office, presumably taken when the free soft pretzels, water ice and 1 hot dog per person were being handed out.

I don’t have a phone number to call or a method to wire them the funds necessary to free up the inheritance left to me by my Nigerian uncle or grampa or whoever. 😦

Seriously, though, aside from the little grammatical anti-flourishes in these things that make most of us insane with “what the fuck?,” I like this one because of the fact that I’ve died such a horrible death. The subject of the e-mail was “ARE YOU DEAD OR ALIVE????!!!?!,” which is something I would absolutely say to someone else after a long-standing lack of communication, so I have to admit that I got suckered in on this one (hence, I’m posting it here).

This is probably how I met my demise. I love banana splits.

This is probably how I met my demise. I love banana splits.

But then I got hit by a fucking truck? This speaks to me of the evolution of the Nigerian scam e-mail. Sure, they’re still more apparent than a shit stain on white slacks, but now we’re starting to see the authors in these people really present themselves. I could’ve died without detail, could’ve just been ravaged by an undisclosed illness (amoebic dysentery, most likely). Instead, I fell prey to a truck.

I find myself lost in this, wondering “what kind of truck?,” “was I dragged for a while, leading to my flesh being shredded away from my tender spirit?,” or “did I explode upon contact?” Those questions lead to so many others, like “if I exploded, was my ‘deathbed’ just the ground? And did enough of me remain unexploded long enough to authorize a whole bunch of dudes with curiously full names to take my inheritance from me?”

Mr. Kelly Brown, Trevor Derek Alfred, Mr. Roland Gulf and the Barrister David Hayfield all sound legitimate as fuck, but as a child, watching Corey Feldman’s Meatballs 4, I promised myself I would never do any sort of business with anyone named Trevor. As we all know, the film co-starred J. Trevor Edmond, who was a complete piece of shit. So the story does fall apart for me there. But only there. Otherwise, I become completely enthralled with this tale of my possible grisly demise.

Anyway, this happened in my e-mail this morning. E-mail scammers of unknown (but probably Nigerian) origin, I truly do thank you for this. I don’t mean that facetiously at all; had I not received this e-mail in my spam folder, all I would’ve had for e-mail thus far today would’ve been an offer for a large pizza, breadsticks and an icy cold Pepsi from Pizza Hut. No thank you, Pizza Hut. I’ll take the intrigue and wonder involved with an inheritance I don’t know about, my horrifying death, shady business criminals and suspense on two continents over your pizza and the contract-rider abdominal discomfort & violent diarrhea any day of the week. I wasn’t made an offer; I was given a tale. That’s worth way more.

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About xtopherjacques

I'm an unreliable narrator, which is supposed to be the fun of it. I'd imagine it's a lot more fun to be led off a cliff if it feels like a circus until it happens. Oh, I'm an average guy; I respirate and dream. Here, I'll talk a lot about both. There will likely be too much talk about bodily fluids of varying viscosities for one's liking, but I refuse to change that until it bores me. Thankfully, I also have healthy obsessions with foods (it might get weird), body washes and obscure media. I also talk a lot about my house being haunted and possessed, neither being true. All of those things should keep this all interesting enough. I sure hope so.

Posted on 08/07/2013, in Fun Stuff!, Uncategorized and tagged , , , , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink. 4 Comments.

  1. I think you have just created a new type of super wrestling match. Ladies and gentlemen, for the first time ever at Survivor Series, it’s Xtopher Jacques vs. Trevor Derek Alfred in a Nigerian Death Bed Last Man Standing Truck Dodging Match!

  2. claudia gibson

    I got the same e mail today… let’s split the 15 millions!!! lol

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