Disclaimer: this review regards alcohol in a boxed variety. If either alcohol or alcohol in a box offends you, 1) let’s not meet often and 2) you might want to skip this product review. Everything else about this product review should be completely normal and acceptable to audiences of all ages.
Belrose Vodka, possibly purchased circa 2012 via a clandestine bootlegging operation (not really, feds). Axe, courtesy of XtopherJacques Personal Collection, forged by demons c.1764. Spine/pelvic region, faux, furnished by ElliEj Productions.
I found this down in the basement a few weeks ago, while making sure the quicklime was being properly rotated and ensuring that nothing had come back up from the bottom of the well. Peculiar, I thought, that this artistically-measured apportionment of items somehow contained my axe, but these concerns soon faded & washed away, as I looked closer and shone a flashlight on the Super-8 footage I was recording.
“Is that…is that vodka? Can’t be!” I screamed loud enough for the ghosts to hear, even without their ears. But immediately following my cries of joy, a small dead thing placed what looked like a finger upon my lips, sending me directly to the fragmented world of my mind, where I had to fight my insecurities for permanent control of my flesh.
Image courtesy of ElliEj Productions.
Then that happened. Fate meant for me to either cure all of the sins of the world with the axe, or enjoy this vodka. So, vodka’s road I chose.
Now, a brief statement on booze in boxes: I’m a massive fan of this. Saves space, saves time, doesn’t deteriorate at nearly the speed of bottled alcohols, as it receives zero exposure to light. Some, with pointy noses and disposable incomes, might want to poo-poo the very idea of alcohol sealed within a tetra-pak, and to those people I say, “fuck you, and enjoy your diphtheria when the world ends, douchebag.”
Now, to the vodka itself. I researched this brand well, and didn’t find much on these Interwebz regarding the product…probably because it tastes like shit. After my first straight shot, I actually went blind, so…factoid for you, I guess. Thankfully, during my time as a Braille proofreader, I had my laptop outfitted with Braille keys. You’re welcome.
With shot 1, I found myself wincing, shuddering, shivering…but honestly, I do that a lot. That doesn’t mean I’m not going to drink the ever-loving fuck out of what’s left. And ya know somethin’? All told, this stuff isn’t half-bad. Take a shot of regular Smirnoff (if you’re drinking that flavored garbage, go light yourself on fire for a worthy cause immediately) and see if it makes you feel like you just got a hug that solved all your childhood issues.
Bullshit! Ain’t happening, not with vodka. A cordial might make you think things are OK, but then you’re blowing a guy you’ve just met because he told you that he was totally into Mumford & Sons before they were popular. You don’t want to do that…again.
So, the taste…not so much. That’s a given. But the price point was spectacular: $14.99 for 1.75 liters, with no tax, as it was purchased in TAX-FREE DELAWARE! We here in the Haunted Home on Hell Street have been drinking this for weeks, and it’s still not gone. It’s almost magic, in that sense. Also of note: our receptiveness to the desires of the dead has increased dramatically. When you live with impulsive geists as these, you want to get a better hookup to their machinations than a fucking Ouija board. Basically, Belrose Vodka gives us Skype to the Dead. When you do the dark bidding, you want these things.
Just to give you an idea of the boxed nature. In all honesty, when you’ve been chosen to do the bidding of the dearly departed, you want a channel that will fill your sacred vessel as quickly as possible. No joke, yo.
All told, this boxed booze gets a much higher mark than one would expect, a 6.66/10. That’s primarily because we’re not snobs about the vehicle by which a spirit is transferred. Taste: 4/10, but what did you expect? No alcohol tastes good, and if you think so, I have many friends without last names who would love for you to become a friend of Bill W.’s with them.
Belrose Vodka is something with which a person should be careful and responsible, but if you’re basically gatekeeping the vortex between the worlds of the living and the dead, much like we here at the Jacquobson Compound, you can throw conventional logic out the window. Drink up, it’s always going to be a long night!
All the love (and cheers!),