Bad Product, Bad Review: Nivea Express Hydration Gel

Today's Subject:

Nivea Liquid Blue Stuff from the XtopherJacques Personal Collection, Faith No More 2010 reunion show postcard courtesy of The Mann Center, illustrated by Alex Fine.

Nivea Express Hydration Freshening Gel. It’s for normal-to-dry skin. If you can fucking believe this, this goop supposedly has a Hydra IQ (how high that IQ is might just be one of mankind’s greater mysteries) that hits your skin like a hammer made of silk and cream for a non-stop 24 hours.

Say it’s 3:00 pm where you are, and you grease yourself up like a little buttered turkey. 3:00 pm tomorrow comes around, and that’s just when you stop being hydrated, freshened, cooled, replenished. Not 2:59, not 3:01. 3:00 on the button. It’s a German product, so they have that not-fucking-around thing on lockdown.

So, to the review, friends. I bought this particular bottle of Nivea Express Hydration Freshening Gel at a Walgreens near Princeton, NJ. It was a hot July day, and this thing might have cost all of about 5 bucks. Could’ve been less, but I didn’t give a shit because I had popped the last of the Vicodin I got after a nasty molar extraction shortly before this purchase, and so money, lies or things no longer mattered. It’s a relatively large bottle, so the price-per-ounce is actually likely to be pretty reasonable.

The problem is that this stuff is God’s greatest mistake. As I write this in the middle of March, 2013, and as I’ve taken this picture not more than 15 minutes before beginning this product review, one can plainly see that the members of my household have only managed to slather about 1/4 of the bottle upon our moisture-lusting frames. That’s a God-damned national tragedy.

We’re a lotion-loving lot in this household. I love putting lotions all over myself, all different kinds. My favorite lately has been Every Man Jack(s off into a bottle and sells it to other men), but there’s always some shea butter, cocoa butter, jojoba oil, vitamin E complex, CoQ10, dead baby fat or clarified butter concoction sitting around the house. And it gets used; oh, does it get used.

Now I will admit a few things here. Firstly, in a home like ours that does not have air conditioning, this was a little pleasant to utilize in adorning our heated flesh during the long days of those summer months. We left it in the refrigerator, making for an instant chill upon contact with our desperately needy epidermal layers. The smell is nearly non-existent, but faintly smacks of mint, with maybe a few other herbs that I can’t be bothered to recall.

And, much as with the Evian brand of bottled piss water, the buyer should have most definitely bewared, as the letters comprising the brand name of Nivea also happen to be an anagram for “naive.” So while this product is a bottle of blue, creamy huckster horseshit, I’m a damned fool for having purchased it at all.

Nivea Express Hydration Freshening Gel: the first 1/4 of the bottle gets no more than a 3.5/10 from me. Time will only tell if the greater elements of the gel settle to the bottom, to be experienced and enjoyed by those with only the hardiest of spirits. Me? Fucked if I’m ever gonna know.

Do yourself a favor. Get something else. I don’t care if it’s a knife and a hostage…just something else.


About xtopherjacques

I'm an unreliable narrator, which is supposed to be the fun of it. I'd imagine it's a lot more fun to be led off a cliff if it feels like a circus until it happens. Oh, I'm an average guy; I respirate and dream. Here, I'll talk a lot about both. There will likely be too much talk about bodily fluids of varying viscosities for one's liking, but I refuse to change that until it bores me. Thankfully, I also have healthy obsessions with foods (it might get weird), body washes and obscure media. I also talk a lot about my house being haunted and possessed, neither being true. All of those things should keep this all interesting enough. I sure hope so.

Posted on 03/12/2013, in Fun Stuff! and tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink. Leave a comment.

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