Sometimes, there are people who wrong you, and because you’re a pacifist or just generally kind-hearted, you simply hope that they somehow get what they deserve. This isn’t a story about that. Instead, this is about Billy. Read the rest of this entry »
Tags: Andy Dufresne, bidet, Circle of Shit, clogged, Darren Aronofsky, dawn of the dead, diphenhydramine hydrochloride, embarrassment, Father of the Bride, feces, food poisoning, Frank Darabont, GI tract, handicapped, haunted, Monroeville, motel, Pennsylvania, Pittsburgh, plunger, Real Sports With Bryant Gumbel, Red Roof Inn, shower head, sleeping pills, Sominex, The Fountain, The Shawshank Redemption, toilet
I’ll get into a lot of these stories later, maybe, but it seems that I’m building a rather large backlog of stories in my life where feces is the central antagonist, and the antagonist wins in a decisive manner. Keeping it short, the past is full of tales like “August 8, 2002,” “Really? The Walls?” and “I Ruined The Couch,” but one of the Hall of Famer times that my ass destroyed a situation happened in early April of 2008. Read the rest of this entry »
Tags: Papa John's, basketball, Louisville, Go Blue, Michigan, NCAA, March Madness, 2 million free pizzas, better ingredients better pizza, painful assplay, grabass, Papa's in the house, Papa broke into the house, someone get Papa out of the house, team sports, Mama John, guppies, college, college basketball, Randy Savage, Lanny Poffo, garbage fire, Macho Man, John Schnatter wasted, Papa John drunk, Obamacare, health insurance, Chinese Fingertrap, Batcave, white girl wasted, Louisville Cardinals
I’ve been wanting to do this all day, ever since a pic of John Schnatter being buttfuck wasted (every blog I’ve read about this has had some kind of swearing adjective to go along with his intoxicated state). I worked as a delivery driver for Papa John at one of his eponymous(ish) pizza outposts while in college, and the experience was just fine. I don’t even hate on the pizza…but then, I have the taste buds of a toddler.
So, with that, I’m just going to caption the shit out of this pic of him hanging on two of his boy slaves. If you have any riffs on the pic, please feel free to pop in a comment…I’m sure he’s a magnificent guy, but we did have a running suburban legend going around at the store, of him being caught in a garbage fire, getting burned to bits and having the skin off his ass transplanted onto his face. Don’t know how that started, but I love that lie and am not above perpetuating it.
OK, here we go!
“All right boys, you got me! Which one of your pogo sticks am I riding first?”
“What? 4 in the afternoon? I swore it was just wine cooler o’clock!” Read the rest of this entry »
Tags: Alberto Del Rio, Antonio Cesaro, Barrett Barrage, Big Show, Brock Lesnar, Bruno Sammartino, CM Punk, Cody Rhodes, Damien Sandow, Diddy is a piece of shit, Fandango, Fruit Punch Hawaii, HHH, Jack Swagger, JBL, John Cena, jonny sparkles, Living Colour, Mark Henry, MetLife Stadium, Paul Heyman, pro wrestling, Randy Orton, Ryback, Sheamus, The Miz, The Rock, The Shield, The Streak, Triple H, Undertaker, Undertaker's Urn, Wade Barrett, We The People, Wrestlemania, Wrestlemania 29, Wrestlemania XXIX, wrestling, wrestling commentary, wrestling spoilers, Zeb Coulter
A good friend of mine, stand-up comedian Jonny Sparkles of Fruit Punch Hawaii, posted a running commentary of last night’s Wrestlemania XXIX last night. Go check it out if you want to read something fun, insightful and cool about our favorite near-sport. Definitely recommended if you actually watched the show live like he did.
Last night was the 29th Annual Wrestlemania. It’s pretty much like Midnight Mass for those Christian folks out there, and much like Midnight Mass, I wasn’t there to witness it. I had to hide from the spoilers like Osama Bin Laden in order to actually be surprised by it, and ultimately, I still wasn’t necessarily surprised. Sad, no? Read the rest of this entry »
Tags: Big O, blumpkin, ChristianMingle.com, CIA, Cinemax, Craigslist, Frederick's of Hollywood, gonzo, MTV's The Grind, octopus, OK Cupid, Southern Exposure, STDs, surfing gorilla, T & C Surf Designs, Tetrapak, TGP, thumbnail gallery post, thumbzilla
The future can be a terrifying place, especially when you’re on the bleeding edge of the present, watching shreds of now disappear on the front end, into the chaotic abyss of tomorrow. And maybe the past is no better; cling to yesterday and watch it disappear through your fingers…tighten your grip, and lose even more of this life you’re living to the ghosts dragging it home to sleep that cold slumber with them. Read the rest of this entry »
Tags: bazinga!, big bang theory, burlap sack, CBS, condoms, GHB, horrible, Jim Parsons, Johnny Galecki made Sara Gilbert gay and I dislike him for it because I had a crush on her when I was young, jumped the shark, punished by God, punished by God and Satan at once, punished by Satan, review, scorpions, seppuku, sheldon, Sheldon Lee Cooper, sledgehammer, the big bang theory is terrible, two and a half men, wolverine
Just to be clear, I am not a fan of this show. I’m not a fan of these people, and if real people act the way people do in The Big Bang Theory they should commit seppuku out of a sense of divine duty to the remainder of the human race. I find it repulsive, annoying to the nth that this kind of thing is a smash hit that people either excitedly wait or waste valuable DVR space to see. Anything with a laugh track needs to brush up on going the way of the Dodo, but as such a feat can’t really happen, I just decided to write up a review the 5th Season of the program. Friends, Romans, Countrymen…you guys have to cut out this fake nerd shit. Tons of people are awkward and weird, so let’s not get disciples of the church of Kevin Smith to come along and pretend that this show is relevant, witty, enjoyable or cool in any way.
With that, here’s my Amazon.com review for The Big Bang Theory, Season 5: Read the rest of this entry »